The signs that summer is soon coming to a close.

This evening, I went for a walk, it was a very long one.  There are lots of flowers everywhere.  While strolling along, I listened to the sounds of nature with each step that I took. The Cicada's are already singing their song that winter is coming soon.  I dread to hear that same melody which is sung every summer, even though it sounds lovely as I pass by.  

Insects and bugs are out in abundance, especially the mosquito's because of the excessive amount of rain we've had. My steps took me to the park and as I strolled through the gardens I saw the flowers above with metallic like bugs sitting two by two on the head of a flower.  I am not sure if they were mating or exactly why they decided to pair up in this way. The flower has seen better days, but I am sure that its job is complete before the season is over. 

I noticed a modestly covered angel that was bathed in the sun's golden light and surrounded by hostas. I tried to stay in the moment as I looked at it.  Isn't that what we are told to do?  But is is hard.  My mind focused on the future.  I have noticed that the nights are getting shorter.  Winter is coming soon, I said to myself. Enjoy this while you can. At that moment, I wanted time to stand still.  I wanted every day to be just like today, where the air is cool, with lush green grass everywhere, and the outdoors is an overall place of enjoyment. Life is but a dream...

Dying with dreams still inside

The weather has been cold and rainy here in Indiana the past few days with perpetual grey skies.  My moods bounce up and down like a rubber ball when it is like this. It is a wonder I make it through the winter where the days are cloudy all of the time and still manage to have some sanity left at the end of the season. 

Today, the rays of the sun broke through the clouds and we were able to see the blue sky.  I had been eyeing a gate that someone decorated with flowers and wanted to try and capture it in a good light. But alas it was not meant to happen today. 

It was replaced with faces in a small narrow walkway from a parking lot to the street.  Very interesting faces to say the least. 

The artist is Phresh Laundry, whom I have never heard of but will inquire about when I am next at the Wunderkammer Company. This place is amazingly filled with artwork of local people. However, not all of the art is inside the building.

While I was trying to capture the gate, I met a man who had painted a mural on the front wall of the building and was there painting another wall on the inner courtyard. He had proudly drawn a Picasso like picture and was working on a face of Venus. As I took pictures he followed me around the building talking to me about art.  I was in seventh heaven as we talked about a subject that is very dear to me. 

When we parted, I walked up and down the narrow walkway between the buildings and was amazed by the faces. They were beautiful, boldly stating that they have their own story, with hopes and dreams without speaking a word. I don't know about you but I somehow want to make my mark here too.

And most of all, I don't want to exit this life with my dreams intact but have exhausted every possibility for living it to the fullest extent of my capabilities. I guess that is a tall order for someone who is approaching their golden years at an accelerated speed. Besides, flying pigs are possible! 

The Majestic Tree

I was sitting at a red light yesterday and I glanced around taking in my surroundings. The red buildings to the left of me caught my eye and then I saw the tree.  It stood there alone, majestically. Just like we should in life. In a few short weeks the building will be nearly hidden behind this wonderful tree. 

 

As I looked at the tree, I was taken in by its strength. The firm branches reached upward with confidence. This tree may look like other ones but it has its own place in this world. We should think that way. Having the confidence in ourselves to know inside who we are and what we are capable of doing or becoming, and be brave enough to say to the masses, "I'm not just anybody." So often we settle for crumbs from those who are not worthy of us when we are really the treasure. But we have to come to that realization in ourselves first, then others will follow. Believe in you, not with arrogance or pride, but with knowing that you have value and a purpose. 

The Year of Letting Go

This past year has been one of appreciating, especially my sister. Unfortunately, she had three operations within a short period and at times I felt scared for her. The last hospital stay I reminded her that it wasn't like going to a hotel.  They hurt you in those medical places.  Besides, not one time did I see a hot tub or a bar, which would have been nice. Over the course of the year my love for my sister grew exponentially.  I saw her in a new light. The viking queen needed tenderness and care of an older sister, which I willingly bestowed on her. 

The darkness of winter spurs us forward to hope of new life that spring brings with it and a rebirth of sorts.  I become introspective and jot down my thoughts, hopes, dreams, and disappointments into my journal where I do a lot of my soul searching, and it is a keeper of secrets. There are times that I struggle inwardly with insecurities and days I feel utterly stupid and useless. Then the sun comes out and the struggle is over until I have overcast feelings again.  

Each year I try to name the year and put the label inside the front cover of the journal. There was a year named "shattered dreams." The next year was the "year of healing."  The following year after that was the "year of rebuilding,"etc...This coming year my motto will be the year of letting go. 
   

We cannot control others, especially the way they think or do things.  Family or friends can wound us so deeply we feel that recovery is not possible. I realized recently that I can only control myself. My happiness is an inside job. I have to make myself happy and let them go.  The thought of it is hard but I must do it or otherwise be miserable.  

Where are you heading?

Where are you going? Has your life turned out the way that you wanted?  I know that my has taken a turn that I didn't want or expect.  But sometimes it is what is best.  Someone once said that in the end everything will be alright. If it is not alright, then it is not the end. 

Keep dreaming, keep hoping, keep trying new things...you may happen upon something that will change your life. 

There's always something deeper

There's always something deeper. We are just a mere speck on this planet, but have the ability to move mountains if we want to.  Keep looking up for inspiration, guidance, and hope.  

Raising the Ceiling

Some days it seems to pour down with all that the worst that the world can dish out.  Today, I want to start out with the positive.  There are possibilities in every situation, even the ones that don't seem so uplifting. While listening to NPR (National Public Radio) on my way to work, I heard one of the guests quote the saying below.  I felt uplifted all day. Personal things are going on with my family that I wish would never happen.  It is scary. I don't know the outcome, but I know that I am going to help fight the battle even if it takes every ounce of strength that I have. I must, it is the least that I can do...

I don't have that kind of mind

This past week, I had an "aha" moment.  I don't know about you, but I often wonder how people think.  Why they do the things that they do.

Relationships are hard. You don't have to marry someone from Africa to know that people are difficult to figure out, especially when it comes to the male/female relationship. Of all the bad things that happen in the world, I think that divorce is the worst. Nearly three years have gone by. Bewildered, I walked away not knowing what really happened. I often wondered what I could have done differently so that it would have lasted. I could blame his culture and religion along with it's followers, but what sense would that do? And I did do this for a long time. What was he thinking?  That is just it.  What was he thinking?  I have tried and tried to make sense of nonsense. I've spent too many hours pondering about things that are not meant for me to figure out. And yet, my mind kept going back to it. My focus went inward and I was in misery.

Art by Theophilis Smith

A friend of mine asked me how a murderer thinks? I was clueless. How would I know? I told her that I don't think like a murderer. My reasoning process is not the same. I cannot wrap my head around the concept of taking someone's life and it be okay or have no remorse for what I have done. I just don't have that kind of mind.  That's it!  I don't have that kind of mind.  I cannot understand because what happened would never occur to me to do to someone else.  I don't think that way. Afterwards, I felt a great sense of release. I have to unchain my mind from trying to make sense out of something that I don't have in me to do. It is not in my soul. In all honesty, it made me happy to finally see the light.  Everything passes, absolutely everything...sometimes it just isn't quick enough. 

Putting your life off until your deathbed

Did you know that I wanted to be a singer?  Yes, I did, and in the worst way.  I would keep my family up at night singing in my bed or waking early only to sing some more. My sister howled like a dog once while I was belting out a song. She thought she was being funny. I cried. I never thought that I was good enough to perform in front of an audience. I sang at church in the choir, but I've only sang solo twice. I remember one time when I was at choir practice and I was singing my little heart out, one of the guys walked past me. He heard me and asked who was singing.  I stood there in silence. That could have been my chance to exhibit my talent, yet, I cowered away from being noticed. What a shame!

 

I think that a lot of us never put our best foot forward when it comes to our lives. There is always a force pulling us back.  Especially when it comes to our "artistic" side.  Let's say that you are working with the poor people of Haiti (you are doing great work there) and then you have the not so brilliant idea of starting a new "career" in telemarketing. The universe will not try to pull you back from that decision. It is only when we are trying to use our God given talents that we have the most resistance.  It is like a sign that has been put out on the street to alert the negative patrol saying, "Come on boys, another one is trying to break free."

There are so many things that are left half finished in life.  We are excited when we start a new venture, but somehow we falter when it comes to reaching the goal. Jane Austen's writing is in a category all by itself. Vincent Van Gough's Starry Night cannot be duplicated. I feel that we have been put here to do something. If my DNA is unique, then so is my life.  And yet, we all procrastinate about moving upward, forward, or ahead. Why fight? It is easier to stay put. Have any of you felt this pull backwards when you want to move in a different direction, especially when it comes to the "artist" inside? 

Death: The Robber of Existence

My brother's longtime friend passed away early this morning. He had lung cancer. When my brother told me that his friend was in hospice, I insisted that he visit his friend as much as possible because his time was running out.  Jeff lived across the small drive from our apartment when we were living in the projects a long time ago.  I have memories of his family and mostly of Jeff and my brother.  

They spent lots of time together. Jeff was a very tall but kind and gentle soul.  When my brother decided to get married on Halloween, Jeff came as Frankenstein's monster to the reception.  This made me laugh.  He married and then had children, both are blessings.

I am going to be 53 in a couple of weeks.  At this point in my life, more and more friends and family members will be passing away. This causes me to think more often about death. We really have no idea about the next life, if there is one. Death is something that everyone experiences only once, at least that we know of.  We are given promises of heaven if we are good and hell if we are bad, according to the Bible.  But no one ever comes back to say what really happens. If you believe in psychics, then lots of people speak to us from the other side. However, not everyone holds this belief. We all hope for something better than what we have lived, I know that I do.

 

Is the essence of all that we are lost in the grave? The headstone lists our name, date of birth, and our date of death.  There was a life lived in between those two dates.  Sometimes, I feel guilty when researching my family history.  I get excited when I find an obituary, forgetting about the man or woman to whom those dates pertained. I don't do this knowingly, but subconsciously.  As I gather facts, I often wonder what that person was like.  What did they look like? What were their interests? Were they good or bad? The personal things that are not written about a life within an obituary. Often, our lives are summed up in a paragraph or less.

 

Not long ago, one of my memoir classmates read a poem written by his wife.  The poem spoke of a man's life.  Over the years he had accumulated a lot of "things", but in the end all of his "stuff" fit into a garbage bag.  I cried as he read the poem.  We cannot take our things with us to the nursing home, much less the grave.  And yet, we try. 

It is not the "stuff" that I worry so much about, but me.  I know this sounds selfish. But will I be remembered?  I, too, was here. Have I made my mark on this world? There are no children calling me Mommy, nor a husband whispering sweet words of love in my ear.  Will my life/existence vanish like the morning mist? To be honest, it will piss me off if this life is all there is. 

 

Our lives don't really belong to us, just like our things.  In a moments notice, we are no longer here, but there, wherever that may be. All I really want is to be remembered.  Is that too much to ask?

and yet, the audacity to be negative...

The past met up with me this week.  His history has not been good.  For as long as I  have known this person there has been an absence of work history with him.  The times he did have a job, the employment lasted until the first or second pay check. Like a magician, he vanished until his cup was dry. Then the lies started about where the money went, but we knew where the money had gone.  Then there is the complaining about his plight.  On the cusp of the highly publicized court case, he felt intensely that he was in the same boat. Opportunities came and went because of the decisions he made. And yet. And yet, he blames others for his mistakes, because it is easier that way.  There were words spoken, intentions misconstrued, and thankfulness.  Yes thankfulness.  Now, I remember why I walked away all those years ago...

A Rat Race is for...Well, Rats

Today I was looking through one of my old journals searching for something that I thought I had written down in great detail, but couldn't find what I was looking for.  However, I did find something very interesting.

July 7, 2004 Wednesday

Don't ever confuse the two: Your life and your work. The second is only a part of the first.  If you win the rat race, you're still a rat.

But you are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on the bus, or in the car, or at the computer. Not just your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul.

It is easier to exist instead of living.

I don't know about you, but I needed some encouragement today.  It was a rough one. I hope that your spirit is lifted, if it is only a little bit.