I have been battling forgiveness. I wrote in my journal that forgiveness is the next step in the healing process. I knew in the beginning that what I did was risky. But isn't everything that you do risky? However, I thought that I would be an exception. When I saw the signs, I turned my head and looked the other direction. I listened to my heart and not my head. Oh this will not happen to me, I told myself. But it did. Then there is the anger. The rage is sure to tag along. You dream of revenge. Sometimes guilt or shame keeps you company far too long. Misery takes residence where it wills. What to do? All the while hoping they die in a fiery car crash.
When I think about forgiving, the first thing that comes to my mind is that if I forgive it is like saying, oh that was ok what happened, when in fact it was the worst thing that could ever happen. It is ok to be angry for being wronged. What happened, well, happened. I cannot change it. To forgive is that it removes you from being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first place. This, however, is a process and cannot be done in an instant. I was encouraged to pray. Make a list of what the offense(s)was/were and pray. Am I there yet? Oh no, but I am at least making an effort.